In Character Article Published in a Local Publication

If you were to imagine the trashiest location imaginable for the bachelorette party of a thrice divorced 1980’s goth wannabe who thought cheap Anne Rice re-creations were the pinnacle of home décor, you still would be over-estimating the aesthetic appeal of Castle Trashsylvania just outside our beautiful city.
It is a rare occurrence when our Home and Lifestyle section has to issue a retraction but the foolishness of a recent review in our paper was so great that we feel the need to prevent any additional Saskatoonians and other tourists from getting bilked out of their hard-earned money. The outward appearance of this ridiculous building helped feed rumors that it was constructed of fine European stonework, imported at great cost. Once inside however, the cheap cinderblocks painted to appear like ancient masonry are only outdone in tackiness by the cut-rate wood paneling made to look like antique timber. Many eccentric North American millionaires have attempted to capture the spirit of elegance inherent to the old money of their European counterparts, however the whispers about this “castle” being an eccentric recluse’s vanity project are likely as much fabrications as the economy plastic “stain glass” windows that let in the
Saskatchewan weather. If this monstrosity was the mental excretion of an aging European ex-pat, it’s all but certain they were mocked off the continent due to lack of taste. More likely however, this discount Walmart-esque tourist trap is the brain-child (nay, brain-abortion), of some middle manager sycophant with the artistic flair of lump of cold and rancid oatmeal, designed to fleece an uncultured public.

On a more practical level, Castle Trashsylvania has an inadequate and muddy parking lot, no cafeteria or snack bar, virtually non-existent public restroom facilities, poor plumbing and electrical work in general, construction elements that this writer has no idea as to how they passed a 21st century building inspection, inconvenient location, and an appalling lack of insulation that makes it freezing in winter and will certainly make it oppressive during the summer.
½ a star out of 5 stars. Even if it was free instead of having the exorbitant entrance fee, it would still be a bad deal, as the time lost to the drive out to it and hours of life squandered inside it’s festering unsanitary walls, could never be gotten back. Saskatonians should enjoy this monument to crass pomposity from a distance and laugh at the incompetence of its builders without wasting time and money inside it.